


i should be over all the butterflies (but i’m into you)

by mikeycliffords



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, That's all I think, and lives vicariously through it tbh, calum has a fat hamster, they're not in a band or famous, well. Michael is but bc he's a YouTube/twitch streamer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26104309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikeycliffords/pseuds/mikeycliffords
Summary: some people say that when you have a near death experience, your life flashes before your eyes. now, calum hasn't ever had a near death experience or anything, but he was pretty sure that he was so emotionally connected to ham that the same thing happened when a dog nearly ate his hamster.— maybe walking your pet hamster in a dog park wasnt exactly the brightest idea, but calum had never claimed to be the brightest guy. and besides, ham sandwich needed a daily walk if he was going to survive, so it was a necessary evil. things went well enough on their walks until someone’s dog tried to eat ham.(or: the hamster fic.)
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Calum Hood
Kudos: 22





	i should be over all the butterflies (but i’m into you)

**Author's Note:**

> mate ok idk what this fic is its trash calum has an overweight hamster called ham sandwich and. that's it that's the fic ok fank u [ainslee](https://ashesonthefloor.tumblr.com) for coming up w the name ur big brain thoughts always amaze me. i wrote this whilst high so. if it has mistakes that's not my fault n I can't be blamed I dont claim 2 know how to write im illiterate

Calum honestly didn't understand how Ham was depressed.

Ham, short for Ham Sandwich II ― he refused to talk about Ham Sandwich I and the washing machine incident of 2014 ― should be the least depressed hamster in the entire world. That little fucker had the best habitat Calum had ever seen, complete with a hamster nightclub with a disco ball and a shitty little hamster restaurant where he ate his food. He shouldn't be depressed. Sure, maybe Calum could understand him being obese. He was getting a little chunky, and had eaten a few too many chicken nuggets in his two years of being Calum’s companion, but depressed? No fucking way. Calum couldn't believe it.

That was why he was pretty lost for words at what the vet was telling him. He’d never actually taken a hamster to a vet before. When Ham I had died he’d just buried him in a shoe box in his back garden, but apparently hamster vets existed now. Which came in handy, he supposed.

“So... yeah. If I was you, I’d start getting your Tupperware coffin ready for uh.. Ham’s death. He’s depressed and obese so it probably won't take too long.” He gave Calum a sympathetic smile. “Sorry for your loss, and all.” It was fucking irritating that he was speaking about Ham like he wasn't in his little ball on the table right in front of him.

“He’s not dead yet, mate. Are you sure there's not anything you can do to help him? Like a fancy diet or something?”

The vet just shook his head. “Like I said, a Tupperware container as a coffin is going to be your best bet. Just dig a little hole and toss him in there once he’s kicked the bucket.”

Calum just nodded dumbly, frowning down at Ham. He didn't want him to die. As sad as it was, Ham Sandwich was probably his best friend. He'd grown really emotionally attached to him in the two years that he’d had him. He didn't deserve to die just because Calum fed him too much and had somehow made him depressed. 

He definitely needed to buy him a few more add ons to his habitat, maybe the hamster park that he'd been debating buying for the last few months. He could probably even get a nicer outdoor cage so that Ham could spend more time in his garden, or a nicer ball to roll around in. 

Or maybe if he got another hamster then Ham wouldn't be as sad? Friends could help with depression sometimes, although Calum had thought that he’d provide enough friendship for Ham alone. 

“Right. Well, uh, I’m gonna go then. Thanks.” For absolutely fuck all. He was the worst vet that Calum had ever met. He hadn't even tried to help Ham, his solution had just been to wait for him to fucking die. What a piece of shit.

Calum scooped up Ham’s ball, carrying him out of the vets. He didn't want Ham to die. Like, he really didn't. But he wasn't sure what to do. How did humans lose weight? Diets and exercise. He’d bought Ham a wheel a little while ago but he’d been interested in it for a few minutes and then gotten bored. He hadn't been to the gym area of his habitat in months.

Maybe.. just maybe he could take Ham for walks. That wasn't that insane, right? People took cats for walks, they even sold those cute kitten harnesses at pets at home. Maybe he could just buy one of them and hope it’d fit Ham. He wasn't really sure it'd be safe enough just taking him to the park in his ball and hoping that he wouldn't roll into a puddle and sink or something. 

So a kitten harness it was. 

When Calum got back to his car, he released Ham back into his pet carrier and buckled himself in, redirecting his google maps to the pet store instead of his home. Ham would be okay, he knew it already. Or he hoped so.

It was a little sad how much Calum depended on a dumb hamster for his happiness, but he couldn't help it. Sometimes it was nice for a little bit of company without all of the responsibility of having a dog or a cat. Him and Ham got on great, as well. Sometimes Ham napped on his shoulder and they watched Marvel movies together, and Calum always made sure to tell him how his day was going and say goodnight to him. 

He wasn't sure what he was going to fucking do without Ham.

It wasn't like he was as easily replaceable as the first Ham had been. He’d only had him a couple of weeks before he'd died. He was emotionally attached to Ham Sandwich. He loved him like a family member or something. He was going to try his absolute hardest to make sure he didn't die.

It didn't take him too long to buy the harness. He also stocked up on food and bought a few more treats for Ham, just to reward him if he did a good job on his walks. Besides, he was trying to cure his depression and nothing made Ham happier than some treats.

“Hey, Ham,” Calum said, sticking his hand in front of the pet carrier so Ham could sniff his fingers. He didn't seem that interested, honestly. “We're gonna go for a walk tomorrow, buddy. Get you all fit and healthy so you don't... drop dead.” He frowned a little as he finished that sentence. Maybe he should get a Tupperware coffin ready just in case.

“We’ll be back home soon, little man,” he mumbled, starting the car engine and making sure Ham definitely wasn't going to somehow break out of his carrier before driving away from the pet store and back to his home.

It didn't take too long. Within fifteen minutes Calum was parking his car and taking Ham inside. He lived in a small townhouse, way too overpriced for what it was, but living in the centre of London tended to be like that. It was okay though, he managed to afford it by working two different jobs and hardly functioning as a human being. 

He let himself into his house, placing Ham on the kitchen counter and scooping him out. He’d feed him in a little bit, Ham probably wouldn't be starving or anything. He’d had a couple of treats on the way to the vets.

He let him into his habitat, which was slowly but surely taking over his entire living room. Maybe they needed to downsize a little. Calum was just kind of vicariously living through his hamster. He couldn't afford seven different bedrooms each with an ensuite bathroom, but his hamster could live that kind of life.

* * *

Calum didn't fucking like the park.

It was cold, the path was gross and damp and he daren't even step into the mud in case his converse got wrecked. But Ham seemed like he was having a grand old time. They’d only been in the park for five minutes and Ham had already decided to go head first into a shallow puddle. Apparently he liked them, although Calum wasn't sure if hamsters could even swim or not. His friend Ashton had told him once that anything with a tail could swim, but Calum wasn't too sure if Ham even had a tail.

But anyway, his hamster was drenched and Calum was seriously starting to think about looking into some sort of pool add-on for his habitat since he seemed to be a fan of water. Or maybe he could fill a Tupperware container with water and let him paddle around for a little while.

Actually, Calum didn't want Ham to go anywhere near Tupperware containers.

He found a part of the park that was quiet enough, void of annoying, laughing kids and adults that gave him dirty looks with a hint of confusion at the fact that he was walking a fucking hamster on a kitten harness. But Ham seemed to be enjoying it enough, so maybe that was okay.

He wasn't sure if hamsters could smile or anything, but Ham looked like he was happy at least. Maybe even if Calum couldn't help his depression or weight problems, he could at least make him a tiny bit happier before he died.

He smiled down at his hamster, trying to ignore the way he felt his eyes watering the littlest bit. He wasn't crying over a hamster, he told himself. It was just chilly outside, or maybe he was getting a little sick or something. That was it. He definitely wasn't crying.

It was just... Ham was really important to him, even if it was a little sad to depend so much on a fucking hamster. He couldn't help it. He just cared about him a lot.

Some people say that when you have a near death experience, your life flashes before your eyes. Now, Calum hasn't ever had a near death experience or anything, but he was pretty sure that he was so emotionally connected to Ham that the same thing happened when a dog nearly ate his hamster.

It was a little thing, kind of fluffy with a long nose. Calum wasn't the biggest fan of dogs, not young ones anyway. If he ever did get a dog, it’d probably be an older one. They could just sit and chill out and... it'd be a little like having a hamster in the way that they just hung out with you instead of wanting to play all of the time. Maybe that's what he'd do when Ham eventually died.

It happened so fast, the dog sprinting in from out of nowhere and trying to take a bite out of Ham’s belly. “Fuck off,” Calum yelled, the hand clinging onto Ham’s leash jerking back, rolling the little fat hamster onto his back and a little bit away from the dog. That gave him enough time to scoop him up, holding him protectively to his chest whilst the little shit of a dog tried to scale up his leg and get his ‘food.’

It didn't have a leash on it, it'd probably been unclipped from his collar a while ago. Wasn't there a fucking rule about walking your dogs on a leash in a park? Calum was being a responsible pet owner and had kept Ham on his leash. He'd definitely be fucking having a word with whoever owned this little attempted murderer if he found them.

And then Michael Clifford walked out, followed by another fluffier dog, with a big grin on his face as he called over said attempted murderer. 

Calum would be lying if he said he didn't know who Michael was. He was one of the biggest gamers on YouTube, even if in most of his videos he shrugged and said that his following of ‘half a dozen million followers’ wasn't nearly as big as some of the other content creators on the platform. He had a smaller and more relaxed following on Twitch, too. And maybe Calum was subscribed to him, and watched a few of his streams during the week, but he wasn't... that big of a fan.

And he definitely wasn't after his dog had tried to eat poor Ham. 

“South!” He called, barely even looking at Calum as he tried again to shout over the dog. When it didnt work, he sighed, grin slipping a little as he stepped over to Calum and the dog. “Sorry, was he bothering you?”

His voice sounded even nicer than it had through Calum’s headphones at three am, and Calum was trying his absolute best to be mad at him. Michael ― who seemed to be pretty used to talking to himself, maybe from the constant videos and streaming ― barely even let him get a word in edgewise before he opened his stupid mouth and started speaking again.

“And before you uh, have a go at me or anything, I know I probably should’ve kept South on a leash, but there aren't any people around this part of the park at this time, usually. And he's usually pretty fucking good at coming back as soon as I shout him. He must've just gotten a little distracted by you and your...” Michael’s brows scrunched up in confusion when his eyes glanced to the animal in Calum’s arms, and he realised it was a fucking hamster.

God he must think he was actually insane, and Calum didn't blame him. He'd think he was insane if he didn't know the context behind him and Ham’s walks. It wasnt exactly everyday that you saw someone walking around a park with a laughably overweight hamster on a tiny harness. “Is that a hamster?” Michael asked, voice a perfect blend of amusement and confusion.

Calum’s brain was kind of short circuiting, and it took him a moment longer to answer the other man as he tried to remember how to actually speak. “Yeah, it is. And your dog tried to fucking eat him.”

Michael just stared at him for a moment, as if trying to decide whether Calum was actually insane or not. “Well, dogs tend to do that when they see a rat walking around in a park. Maybe dont take your little furry friend for walks in a park? Just an idea.” 

Michael Clifford was a dick. Calum was definitely cancelling his twitch subscription to him as soon as he got home. He didnt deserve his money. “Or you could just keep your dog under control, mate. And he's not a rat! He’s a fucking hamster.”

The other man just gave him an amused look, bending down and clipping South’s leash back to his collar. “Its a pretty fat hamster. Is that why you’re walking him? Afraid his wheel’s gonna break if he tries and runs in that, or something?” He snorted, clearly finding himself to be funny. It was probably good that he did, actually. Calum definitely wasn't amused by him.

What a wanker. “No! I mean, yeah, he's fat. But he can go in his wheel just fine, thank you very much.” Ham just didn't like his wheel. That was all. “You know, you should really be like... reimbursing me for the emotional damage that your dog has caused me and Ham.”

Michael’s nose scrunched up. “What? Are you gonna send him to hamster therapy or something?”

Calum just frowned at him, “Well no, but...”

“Blackmail isn't cute, anyway. If you would've said that taking you out to dinner or something would've been enough to cover the emotional damage of South trying to take a bite out of your rat, then I would've probably said yes,” Michael shrugged, giving him a stupid little grin that Calum had only ever seen through the screen of his laptop before.

His face flushed a little, and he gave him an unsure look. “You want to take me out on a date?” That was... unexpected.

Michael just shrugged again. “You seem interesting,” he laughed a little, “I’m Michael, by the way, Michael Clifford. Uh, my instagram’s just... that. I’ve gotta go but dm me and let me know if you want that date.”

Calum didn't even get a chance to tell Michael what his own name was, all he could do was nod as Michael walked away with his dogs and he was once again by himself. A tiny drop of rain snapped him back to reality, and he tried to ignore the part of his brain that was questioning if that actually happened as he sheltered Ham from the rain by tucking him inside his jacket, and started to rush back to his flat.

* * *

Calum hadn't messaged Michael yet.

He’d be lying if he said it hadn't been playing on his mind. He’d been debating doing it after feeding Ham that night, but he worried that he might be too busy streaming or filming a video or something, and he didn't want to dm him in case it got lost amongst the thousand other messages that Michael probably received during the day.

Was it this normal to get so anxious about messaging someone? Calum wasn't so sure. It wasn't like he had to talk to him. He didn't even like him, he was a dick who had an attempted murderer for a dog. That wasn't the type of person that Calum wanted to be around. Plus, it wouldn't ever work out. South had already tried to eat Ham. What if he brought him round one day and he attacked him?

Calum was definitely overthinking this.

It was only a fucking message. Michael might not even answer him. It'd been a few days since the incident in the park, he probably didn't even remember him.

His phone dinged, and the anxious part of Calum’s head worried for a moment that Michael had somehow tracked down his instagram and had sent him a message, but it was just a notification from twitch. 

MichaelClifford is live.

He was tempted to click on it, but he didnt. He was pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from messaging Michael immediately. Maybe he was kind of terrified of rejection or something, but he just... didnt want to deal with feeling embarrassed by the fact that his favourite streamer had ignored his message.

So he distracted himself with trying to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones, just because he was tired of everyone raving about how good the earlier seasons were and being horrified that he hadn't even seen a single episode. He ended up falling asleep about ten minutes in, and when he woke up his telly was asking him to confirm that he was still watching.

“No I’m fucking not,” Calum mumbled to himself, shifting so he was laying on the sofa instead of being awkwardly sat up and smushed against the arm of the couch.

He grabbed his phone, just planning on watching a stream for some background noise whilst he focused on getting back to sleep. Calum didnt really like sleeping in the dark, pitch black rooms were always spooky, and silence was suffocating. So he usually watched something whilst he tried to sleep, just for the small bit of light his phone provided and the noise. Even if it was more often than not Michael’s annoyingly smooth voice.

He clicked on the twitch app, a little surprised to see that Michael was still active. He was villager hunting in Animal Crossing, dressed in an orange hoodie with his glasses half sliding down his nose. He looked tired.

“For the last fucking time, I dont have a kitten kink. These headphones are just the only ones that dont make my glasses dig into the side of my face,” Michael laughed a little through the screen, one hand leaving his Nintendo switch controller to push his glasses up his nose. 

“Thanks for the donation,” he mumbled, corner of his mouth twitching into a small smile as he travelled to another island in search of whatever villager he was looking for. 

His eyes scanned his other screen for a moment, like they always did when he was looking for a comment to answer. “Whats a random thing that's happened to me recently? Uh, well the other day my dog nearly committed a murder.” He laughed a little, face scrunched up and the hand not holding onto his controller moving to cover his mouth as he laughed.

“No― No, it wasn't like a bird or anything.” Michael was still laughing, bordering on hysterical. “It was a fucking hamster, guys. A fucking hamster. In the park! I know, right? What the fuck.” 

There was just something about Michael talking so casually about his dog almost eating Ham that felt weird to Calum. Maybe he actually would reply if he messaged him. 

“A―And this guy, just stands there with his fucking hamster in his hand and says that I should pay him for emotional damage or something. It was the funniest thing,” he was still laughing, the game he was supposed to be playing completely forgotten as he spoke about his and Calum’s interaction. 

Calum chewed his lip a little as he closed twitch and opened instagram, typing out Michael’s username and sending him a dm. It was a long shot, and he doubted he'd even see it. But maybe that was okay.

He went back on twitch as soon as he’d sent the dm, and the stream was delayed enough that he heard Michael get a notification and roll his eyes at the people telling him off in chat for not silencing his phone.

“Sorry guys,” he mumbled, face lighting up as he read the message. 

“’Stop slagging off my hamster on your stream, Michael,’” He laughed again, nose scrunching up as he put his phone down and resumed playing. “Alright, Calum.”

**Author's Note:**

> so. [tumblr](https://mikeycliffords.tumblr.com) yeah hmu


End file.
